Door opens into older dental office (which looks more threatening than latest ones).  [shot of dentist]  "Come on in.  Sit down . . . Open wide. [Stuffs two pieces of cotton in mouth, making it difficult for patient to talk]  Ever stop to think that this is no fun for your dentist, either?" 

"Mmnnh-mmnnh [no]"  [shakes head and camera moves sideways and back] 

"The first successful heart transplant patient was a retired dentist.  He said the work was like being a galley slave. [Shot from Ben-hur or other movie with galley scene] 

Holds mirror up so patient can see own mouth, with teeth exposed, threateningly.  "Imagine . . . working in there!  Like being inside a trap that could snap shut at any time!  Of course, if you give us any trouble, we could wedge it open, but even then, it's still no fun!  This is your first time here. And it's my first time working on you.  We think of it as waiting room roulette.  ANYBODY could walk thru that door.  We never know WHAT to expect.  You might be another Al Bundy.  Did you see that episode?" [removes one piece of cotton] 

"Mmmm-hmmmh [yes] The one with Traci Lords in it?  Oh, yeah!" 

"Al Bundy . . . like working in a bacteriological mine field!  Of course, all the while the patient - every patient - is salivating . . . drooling . . . Oh, not as much as Pavlov's dogs, but there is some flow.  You know what that means: that noisy tube hanging out of your mouth. [inserts tube; turns it on momentarily; shows control knob to patient.]  Here. You can turn it on and off yourself . . . You relaxed?  Good!  If there's one thing we hate, it's a nervous patient.  Like trying to defuse a bomb! [close-up of patient gripping arms of stage prop chair of flexible material, crushing them.]  Try it sometime."

Patient mumbles "No, thanks.  What kind of person is your ideal patient?" 

"One who moves only when and how we want them to.  One who is relaxed . . . Some patients are so relaxed that they fall asleep! 

Patient: "You're very entertaining.  You could be a stand-up comic.  Did ya see Steve Martin in Little Shop of Horrors?" 

"Yes, of course" 

"Of course, you're not as good as he was." 

"WELL, THANKS!  Maybe you'd like him to work on your teeth."  Inserts more cotton.

"Ah, no, thanks." [indistinct] 

"What did you say?" 

[Patient removes a piece of cotton.] "How do you expect to understand me with all this cotton in my mouth?"

"Sorry.  Now, as I was saying . . . We like relaxed patients.  I've had some patients who admitted they had smoked Hemp flowers just before their visit.  They were among my best patients.  And Cannabis is an anti-sialagog.  An anti-sialagog!  Imagine that! 

"What the hell is an anti-sialagog?" [indistinct]

"That means it stops the flow of saliva.  It definitely makes our work easier. 

"You want a pain killer, of course.  There's a natural anesthetic you could administer yourself so you don't feel the needle.  You can chew . . . Bolivan spinach . . . coca leaves . . . when they're legal again.  Coca in its natural form never seriously injured anyone and is self-limiting.  Don't confuse coca leaves with cocaine powder extracted from it. 

[Turns away to putter with instruments.] Voiceover:  "Yes, he IS a genuine dentist.  He is NOT an actor dressed like a dentist.  The Enemy uses that cheap trick in their propaganda.  Of course he's wearing a mask.  NOOOooo. . . we're NOT going to tell you his name.  Dental Societies will probably freak out." 

DDS again: "Imagine . . . when Hemp and coca are legal AGAIN . . . When, not if, because it's inevitable . . . Ads . . . announcements . . . we'd have to do surveys first, of course.  You know the kind . . . Imagine . . . [fade to poster, or tv screen] Frontal facial close-up of dentist wearing mask.  [Words in bright red appear on poster]  IT'S NO FUN FOR YOUR DENTIST, EITHER!  [voiceover as following appears]  "Survey says: Nine out of ten dentists prefer their patients to be [in a ponderous voice] MELLOW". 

[different voice, sounding like Bart Simpson] "Hey, dude! [Words in fluorescent gold]  Get mellow, first!" [warning in bold letters or somber, adult voice:]  "WARNING: If you have a problem with Cannabis, don't use it.  And don't even think of trying to deprive others of the RIGHT to use it.  This ad paid for by Independent Hemp Producers of America and Affiliated Cannabis and Hashish Importers." 

Shot of dentist. "That's . . . WHEN they're legal AGAIN.  RElegalized.  Meanwhile, I guess you'll just have to live with the alternatives.  [Patient gets out of chair.]  Hey, where ya going?" 

"Get mellow, Man!  I'll be back!" 

"But Hemp flowers are illegal. . ."

"'The law is an ass, an idiot.'  CHANGE THE LAW or FUCK THE LAW!"