"Mr. Softee busted for selling crack" the headline read.  What will they think of next?  Good cover!  The article revealed that he'd offered it to children.  Most people agree that is reprehensible.  But is it any worse than encouraging children to use other addictive drugs which kill far more people, and are legal for adults? 

Those pushers use the most sophisticated advertising techniques, some featuring animals: Spuds McKenzie and Joe Camel.  I know some people have a problem with beer, but it's the Camel that bothers me.  More than a third of a million people DEAD — EVERY YEAR!  The ads are everywhere — store windows, billboards, everywhere!  What can we do about it? 

"Ridicule is [our] most potent weapon. It is almost impossible to counterattack ridicule.  Also it infuriates the opposition, who then react to your advantage. . . . A good tactic is one that your people enjoy."  Rules for Radicals by Saul Alinsky. 

How do we ridicule the Camel?  Well, there's that nose . . . What about a blob of snot dripping from it?  Ooooh, that's disgusting!  Yeah . . .  A spray can could do the job on ground level ads. 

On billboards, we could use The Monkey-Wrench Gang techniques but that would be wrong [voice and face of Richard Nixon].  Not morally wrong, but strategically wrong.  The actions might be misinterpreted, and could be impractical.  Some of those billboards are fifty feet or more above the ground, with large metal supports.  Yes, I know: an oxy-acetylene cutting torch.  But if you've ever cut down a tree you know they don't always land where you want. 

How do we snot the Camel?  How do we deliver a payload of paint on target?  Compressed air-powered beer can mortars made of PVC tubing are commercially available or can be built from plans.  [ads in American Survival Guide]  Portable, battery-powered air compressors or SCUBA tanks can supply the air.  Cut the top off an empty beer can, insert polystyrene foam pellets in the bottom.  Drill a hole in the base of a burned-out light bulb, fill with paint and seal.  Paint ball guns used for survival games would also be effective, if used with waterproof paint. 

Edward Abbey wrote that the actions he proposed would begin a year after he wrote the book.  I've already seen stickers  THIS AD INSULTS CAMELS.  CAMELS ARE TOO INTELLIGENT TO SMOKE.  How long will it be until people Snot Joe Camel? 

Full screen shot of restyled billboard. 

Shot of reporter with billboard in background. 

"Vandalism reached new heights as a fifty feet high billboard was desecrated.  Ima Yokel, a nearby resident, was driving by in her pickup truck as it happened." 

"Ah was looking at the billboard, thinking about how mah poor husband died o' lung cancer, when it happened.  Splat!  It looked like the camel sneezed, like there was a blob of snot on the camel's nose.  It happenin' just as I was thinking about mah poor husband, made me feel sorta like it was a message from God." 

[sotto voce]  "Yeah, right.  [normal voice] Thank you, Mrs. Yokel.  A group calling itself The Camel Snotters claimed credit for the desecration.  In a message sent to Police State Headquarters . . . State Police Headquarters  [smiles]  there IS a difference . . . isn't there? . . .  they attempted to justify their actions. 

[shot of corpse on operating table with lungs exposed and shot of cemetery]  "Tobacco is the most radioactive, most carcinogenic, and most addictive plant on the planet.  Tobacco KILLS one of your neighbors every year — a third of a million people EVERY YEAR!  It is available in vending machines where any CHILD can get it. [shot of small girl who puts coins in vending machine, picks up pack of cigarettes and looks at viewer]

"Children are as familiar with Joe Camel as they are with Mickey Mouse.  More children have become addicted to Camel cigarettes than any other brand.  Joe Camel is a CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGER to society and MUST be destroyed."

"A Politician proposed restrictions on the sale of paint, requiring fingerprinting of the customer, or a five-day waiting period. 'We'll do whatever is necessary to end this scourge.'  Why not prohibit advertising an addictive poison?  'No, no.  We're going to continue to let companies advertise it because we politicians tax it and profit from it.'" [At least he's honest about it.  Check the record of campaign contributions from the industry.] 

"This is Nellie Bly, reporting to you via the Free Media."  [Nellie Bly was the female investigative reporter of the Nineteenth Century.]

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